[NewMusic] Ormandy humor

[David Slusser]

(Eugene Ormandy malaprop humor for your holiday
enjoyment, courtesy a bassist/memoirist of note.)

Bill Crow's Band Room

2007

July/August '07

by Bill Crow

This column originated in the February 1983 issue of
Allegro and has been going strong ever since, thanks
to the contributions of so many musicians who have
passed along their stories for everyone’s enjoyment.

There have been some requests for reprints of favorite
columns, so I will do that from time to time. Here’s
one from March 1987. These are remarks made by Eugene
Ormandy, while he was the maestro of the Philadelphia
Orchestra. His musicians enjoyed his use of the
English language so much that they began writing down
his comments. I selected the ones I liked best, and
arranged them as follows:

"Congratulations to each and every one of you for the
concert last night in New York, and vice versa."

"Who is sitting in that empty chair?"

"I’m conducting slowly because I don’t know the
tempo."

"I conduct faster so you can see my beat."

"I cannot give it to you, so watch me."

"I was trying to help you, so I was beating wrong."

"I can conduct better than I count."

"I guess you thought I was conducting, but I wasn’t."

"I purposely didn’t do anything, and you were all
behind."

"Why do you always insist on playing while I’m trying
to conduct?"

"Even when you are not playing, you are holding me
back."

"Don’t ever follow me, because I am difficult."

"It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is
harder than it is."

"The notes are right, but if I listened, they would be
wrong. "

"I wrote it the right way, so it was copied the wrong
way right. I mean the right way wrong."

"At every concert I’ve sensed a certain insecurity
about the tempo. It’s clearly marked 80... uh, 69."

"It is not together, but the ensemble is perfect."

"Watch me closely. Only one can spoil it."

"Somebody came too sooner."

"Start beforty-two."

"Start three bars before something."

"Start at B. No. Yes. No. Yes. No."

"Did you play? It sounded very good."

"Intonation is important, especially when it is cold."

"Beauty is less important than quality."

"If you don’t have it in your part, leave it out,
because there is enough missing already."

"Percussion a little louder." ("We don’t have
anything.") "That’s right, play it louder."

"More basses, because you are so far away."

"I need one more bass less."

"There are no woodwinds at number six." (The woodwinds
say they are at number 15.) "I know. That is why."

(To the tubist) "Long note? Yes. Make it seem short."

"Brass, stay down all summer."

"Don’t play louder, just give more."

"Accelerando means in tempo. Don’t rush."

"I don’t want to repeat this a hundred times. When you
see crescendo, it means p."

"The tempo remains pp."

"It’s difficult to remember when you haven’t played it
before."

"We can’t hear the balance yet, because the soloist is
still on the airplane."

"Please follow me, because I have to follow him, and
he isn’t here."

"Without him here, it is impossible to know how fast
he will play it, approximately."

"With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us
tonight." "He is a wonderful man, and so is his wife."

"Bizet was a very young man when he composed this
symphony, so play it soft."

"Mahler wrote it as the third movement of his Fourth
Symphony. I mean the fourth movement of his First
Symphony. We play it third. The trumpet solo will be
played by our solo trumpet player. It’s named
‘Blumine,’ which has something to do with flowers."

"That’s the way Stravinsky was—-bup, bup, bup. The
poor guy’s dead now. Play it legato."

"Serkin was so sick he almost died for three days."

(On David Oistrach’s death): "I told him he’d have a
heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a
year longer."

(On Willy Knappel’s death): "Death is a terrible
thing. I don’t believe in it, myself."

"This is a very democratic organization, so let’s take
a vote. All those who disagree with me raise their
hands."

"It’s all very well to have principles, but when it
comes to money, you have to be flexible."

"Thank you for your cooperation, and vice versa."

"I mean what I meant."

"I never say what I mean, but I always manage to say
something similar."

"Let me explain what I do here. I don’t want to
confuse you any more than absolutely necessary."

"I don’t mean to make you nervous, but unfortunately I
have to."

"Relax. Don’t be nervous. My God, it’s the
Philadelphia Orchestra!"


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